"Love! Do you know the meaning of the word?" 'How should I not?' said the Lady, 'I am in love...in Love Himself.'
~C.S. Lewis
The Great Divorce

Sunday, April 5, 2009

"The bliss that is eternal is only yours when what you most desire is just out of reach."
The idea that joy is in the wanting, the desiring of something is not my own. Many people have said this in one way or the other.

Once we have what we desire, we are often left with a sense of loss, with the realization that this was not we wanted all along. But this is not necessarily a bad thing, if the thing desired is good and holy, and ordained of God. All things will eventually perish, and the pain of losing something in the future is part of the deal, the exchange, of having joy now.

But what if you never get the good thing you desire? From experience, I think I can say this statement is at least partially true, or there is a ring to it with which I am sympathetic. But the bliss that I had been feeling for some time, has now dissapeared. I wanted it so badly...or at least the joy of knowing how close I was to it! The fact that I have now taken a couple of steps back from this object...what to say!...I wonder if the torture and anguish of seeing something you really wanted slip away is worse than having had that object and lost it?

Would I have really been happy if I had gotten this object? I don't know. But I know now, knowing that I probably never will have it, has left me restless and genuinely hurt. The joy of the possibility truly was great...and the joy of having may well have been greater (if God willed it to be I have no doubt of this). But now that the exciting anticipation has languished, what was possible bliss, has become the strangest pain; a pain I really did not know I could feel.

Don't know if this makes sense...my personal life does not make a lot of sense at all right now.

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